Stratford Festival 2003
Report & Photo Gallery
19th - 21st September
Swans Nest Lane,
Stratford upon Avon,
Warwickshire, CV37 7LS
Tel: 01789 550725
www.stratfordhockey.fsnet.co.uk
Tour Report
Friday / Saturday / Sunday
New Recruits: All Old timers this year!
----- Friday -----
By the time the 'harder-working' hornets turned up on the Friday evening, much had been achieved. There was recycled purple covering the patio outside the clubhouse, a sea of purple inside the clubhouse, and an honourable volume of purple inside the Hornets- all before 8.30pm. Jon, Catherine and Beck's had arrived there first, dumped the cars and found the nearest pub. The Bath contingents of the Hornets (Yeng, Hannah, Tilley and Melanie) arrived a short while afterwards and eagerly set up their tents and boudoirs for the night. Melanie set up the mansion, putting Tilley in the west wing. Gareth, (the unemployed tagalong) and the McArdell brothers arrived with the Bathites and set up their tents. Mr Riley appears while the others are creating the Hornet Camp, with his jumbo blow up bed, duvet, kitchen sink. which he couldn't possibly have done without! He is also given the responsibility of putting up Jollyon's tent, a mean feat when you're Riley, having to enlist the help of Tilley.oh dear.
All tents erected, the Hornets proceed to join the others in the pub. With all the introductions made, the drinking games begin with the usual no swearing, no pointing and the masters being introduced. A new game, 'The Viking Game' is put forward by Yeng, and after cries of 'Rape and Pillage,' 'Ooh Ooh Ooh' from the oarsmen and 'Swish, Swish' for the water, the game is abandoned.far to complicated for the Hornets after a few pints of purple. Jolyon and Toria (the worker-hornets) arrive during the festivities and are duly appointed Grenade and Thumb master. Grenade in a posh pub wasn't really appreciated by the locals, especially when dancing on chairs became involved, and after stern words from the owner come fat ponsy rugby player; the Hornets decide on a change of venue, and head back to the clubhouse to teach the Stratford home team exactly how a hockey tour should be conducted!
The remaining Kirby brother is last to arrive, joining the clan in the clubhouse and along with few tag along locals, Nick and Liz as they realise that we are the only people in the clubhouse making any noise and worth socialising with. The games continue too much merriment and the odd Funnel being prepared for Beck's and Norris- who had committed the cardinal sin of forgetting his Hornet top. It was therefore decided that he should don the Spiderman outfit kindly provided by Jolyon. By this point the Hornets are well into the purples, with Scott being very upset that he ended up next to Hannah as she seemed to be spotting all his errors and forcing him to drink much more than anticipated, and Beck's whose early unconscious state was initially blamed on the 'friendly neighbourhood spider' was crowned chunder queen for the evening by vomiting at the grand hour of 8.30pm and then falling asleep on the bench outside.
Meanwhile the superhero seemed to only energise the boys, who proceeded to scrap until the Hornets were responsible for some significant structural damage to the clubhouse in what would have been an otherwise nasty grenade incident! The chunky Irishman claimed that he had been pushed by an unnamed Kirby brother (James!) fell through the bar doors and broke the locks.this was thought no more of by the Hornets until confronted the next day by some angry owners who threatened to shut the bar and chuck the Hornets out of the tournament. But after some diplomacy from Toria, some grovelling from the perpetrators and an offer to pay for the fixing of the door, the Hornets are allowed to stay.like they would have dared not inviting us next year.
Being a Friday, and not late opening, the Hornets headed back to camp early to continue the drinking. However, the bed situation provided some amusement, with several Hornets suddenly realising that they had neglected to erect their tents (Jon, Catherine, Beck's and James.) Alternative accommodation then had to be arranged. Simon kindly offered Catherine a comfy night on his blow up bed, Beck's turned her car into a comfy bedroom and Hannah with the sudden disappearance of Yeng was kind enough to offer James a bed. This was all accomplished amid cries from Gareth who already having gotten a nickname of being just a little clumsy was yet again claiming he had been pushed into his tent by an imaginary person as it turned out to be, and realising he had well and truly broken is tent. Unfortunately for Scott, this meant the tubby Irishman had to sleep in his tent, never mind eh?! <<<
----- Saturday -----
Next morning, hornets crawled from their respective abodes and after a cup of tea and a bacon butty were raring to go for the first game, Hornets V Magnificent 7. With a team dressed as cowboys and Indians, they were no match for the skilful and up for it hornets. James donned the goalie kit and within 2 minutes had mutilated one of the opposition by kicking the ball straight at the poor butch Lesbian's face. After a few minutes stopped time, when everyone decided she couldn't look much uglier with the damage James had caused, at the other end of the pitch another Kirby was doing the Kirby Camel Conversion and the game ended with a 1-0 win for the hornets. WooHoo! Jolyon played a blinder at the back and Tilley and Melanie did some nice runs up the left. The police training obviously paying off for Mel who cranked up to about 4 miles an hour.
With that it was off to the bar to stock up on the purple and it was time for Riley to go volunteer for some umpiring. By the time we'd had a couple of purples and done some sunbathing, in the same vain as the previous night, it was time to teach the locals how to play hockey as well as drink with Hornets V Imps. And yet again as Friday night had shown, the hornets were better at both drinking AND hockey with a 1-0 win. This time it was Scott's turn to try out the goalie kit, his first of 2 games between the sticks for the Hornets.and didn't he do well, Jesus would have been proud! With the Camel dribbling through the middle with the occasional step-over and pass left to Toria who promptly passed it straight back, the hornets were the definitive players throughout. Yeng showed an appearance and her and Melanie ran around weaving in an out of people but getting nowhere. In the end it was up to Ross to snatch the only goal, the first of many for the pensive looking McArdell brother. Two victories in a row and only 12.00! Time for another match then, maybe even a cheeky purple in between.
The third match for the day was against Handy Magandys, and was another McArdell brother's triumph, but unfortunately not a team one and the end of the Hornets winning streak for the moment. Scott scored the first and the opposition returned with a swift reply and breezed straight passed James, Jolyon and Hannah and scored. The team had asked the hornets to go easy on the 12 year old they had in goal, so in true hornet style, Kirby passed the ball to Ross who twatted it at the kids face, who ducked. goal!!! The win though, like Tilleys attention span, didn't last very long and the oppo scored again for a 2-2 draw.least we didn't loose. well, at least not until our next match anyway.
The last match before a lunchtime rest was against Campden Scott was in goal again, but didn't quite do such a good job this time. I can't remember who scored our goal, but you can bet that Norris missed a hat-full and that one of the goals the oppo scored was an own goal off Hannah's feet! It was probably just too damn hot and no one could be arsed is more like it so we lost 2-1.
The afternoon started in the same vain. losing, the hornets had got to that stage in the drinking where we weren't sober enough to be great, but weren't drunk enough not to care. What made it worse was that we were playing against a bunch of Old Gits who managed to beat us 3-2. Tilley the one trick pony managed to score, and Norris stole what should have been the classic Carosi tap-in. Haven't got a clue who scored the last goal, think it was probably Irish cousin It, who up until the afternoon had been very quiet and too busy drawing purple smiley knees on people to worry about any hockey! (Probably wasn't a third goal if the Hornets lost 3-2... Ed.) But the reason we probably lost, (apart form the fact that no-one could be bothered with kitting up) was that everyone was too busy laughing at Jolyon who was arguing and betting the Camel that he would score a goal in the last match of the day!
Needless to say, the last match of the day arrived against Veterans who we gave a royal shoeing (obviously everyone had gotten drunk enough to think that they were brilliant again by now!) and the game ended 4-0. Did any of the goals belong to Jolyon? What do you think?.of course not! Scott went back in the sticks and Jolyon, trying desperately to score, left James and Hannah in defence and we managed not to concede any goals!.Think Riley may have helped out with that along the way somewhere. Gareth suddenly discovered where the goal was and after an afternoon of missing reverse backhands and goal stealing, netted 2 goals! Tilley managed another and so did Melanie. what was the matter, everyone else was on fire, except Jolyon who only succeeded in hitting one of the oppo's girls with his stick in frustration so instead of concentrating on scoring goals had to politely apologise for the rest of the match. Lost the bet!
With all our hockey over for the day, the hornets sat down for some serious drinking.but what was this, a certain member of the team being headhunted by Handy Magandys to go in goal for the final?! Seeing as he'd showed such promise earlier, Scott McArdell, being the first Hornet to win a proper tour team winning award held up the purple and blue stripey socks at the end of the game with such glee to cheers from all!
With the award winning celebration over, the hornets headed into town in the pursuit of food.and some more booze! While the girls opted for posh Ask pizza, the boys decided on the cheaper option of Maccy D's. We all stopped for a few cheeky ones in a local establishment while the girls waited for their lush pizza to be cooked. Baby Tilley however was almost not allowed any drink and too much hysterics from the rest of us duly had to get out her ID! Once back at the clubhouse, the purples started flowing again, as did the games. Drinking partners were allocated and a round of 7's and 21's proceeded. unlucky for the drinking match up of Toria(who was having a bad drinking day) and Jollean (who didn't know the rules) meant that they proceeded to get exceedingly drunker than everyone else. Not to be outdone, the rest of the hornets decided to evoke a game of save the queen, with two coins going round, people were being caught out left right and centre, so brimming pints of purple were swiftly emptied! A round of ibble dibble was had using a burnt cork end, but as the evening wore on, it just digressed into a face-painting contest with silly moustaches galore! But it was all ok, because a messy game of pass the glass erupted soon after to clean up the mess. Yeng did the disappearing act again, Tilley danced the night away and what was this.Carosi in bed first, something must be amiss! It was supposed to be a fancy dress evening, but as usual most of the hornets donned their tour shirts, being the ultimate purple repellent, except for Becks and Cat, who dressed up in Wonder woman come Rainbow Bright outfits much to the merriment of everyone else!
Gradually though, the hornets crept back to camp, apart from a few hard core who decided to play a rather loud game of 'What the Fuck' on the patio in the small hours of the morning! But eventually most of the hornets started to fade and comfy tents seemed a welcome.but there's always the Kirby twin's who, with their appetite's never satisfied decided to taste the local delicacy that was the kebab shop. <<<
----- Sunday -----
Next morning, hornets crawled out of bed still donning facial hair from the previous night's exploits, Ross with a particularly tasteful full handlebar moustache. As with all tours, the Camel could no longer sing sweetly and could barely muster a squeak, much to the relief of the other hornets. No one was quite as enthusiastic as the previous morning and there were some unusual injuries that appeared in the light of day. Hannah, in her enthusiasm for finding somewhere to pee at 2.00am in the morning, had tripped while running full pelt into one of the not so small cricket screens with her not so small feet! Needless to say, with half her shins scraped off, the thought of trying to get her shin pads on proved amusing to many.
Sunday was a day of the anonymous goalies between the sticks. The hornets racked up a variety of goalies for the day including Tilley and Yeng! The team were all feeling the hangovers during the first game against Imps, and in what turned out to be quite a good fight, were lucky to keep it to a 1-0 loss. A guy called Rob who we pilched from some other team was in goal, but I can't remember much else memorable about the game.
The next game was a little more successful.successful in that we didn't lose, but unsuccessful in that we let Gareth play! Tilley kitted up in goal but didn't actually have to touch the ball cause Riley was sweeping up all the attack that came down our end, keeping the score to a 0-0 draw. It was rather a lethargic game from both sides from what I remember apart from Becks, who after recovering from Friday night's exploits finally made it onto the pitch and played a blinder!
It was a 1-1 draw in our next game against Standard, but the Hornets claimed a moral 1-0 win as the opposition only scored during the team hide where we abandoned keeper Rob and leapt for cover.wankers! After this, we all became a little concerned for Riley, who looked like he was about to have an apoplectic fit.far too much running for the northener! Ross scored the only goal with a cracking hit.Back of the net! After this Toria provided some afternoon's entertainment with a Volleyball net, and with stern looks and the occasional cry of 'Watch my car!' from Riley, the hornets kept themselves entertained in between the purples and hockey.
Yeng kitted up for the next match in goal and after being hit in the chuff several times by some rather mean hornet boys having a penalty flick contest and during the game, she decided not to kit up again! But the game ended in another bloody draw for the hornets in their re-match against Handy Magandys. Jolyon kept trying to score, even though his bet with Jon had already been well lost and Toria played well on the left but as it was the Sunday, the hornets couldn't capitalise on anything!
The last game of the tour was against Afro Dizzy Acts, and as usual, we always end on a high note with a 1-0 victory! It was Catherine's one goal of the tournament and a full on girlie combo with a great pass from Becs at the top of the D and Catherine was right on hand to tap it in. With the hockey for the tour over, it was time to pack up the camp and go up to the clubhouse to watch the footie, or sleep!
Stratford was coming to an end and after some random driving around hunting for somewhere to have their final farewell meal, the hornets parked up and most got fish and chips, but Yeng and Melanie having to be different, just had to have curry. all other hornets being very jealous when they finally arrived with the waft of spices. With that there was only time for the hornets to say their goodbyes and depart for their respective homes, going back to the grind of everyday life after their last tour of the year.
Thanks to all who participated in a great touring year for the hornets and in particular to Toria for her organisation. and I suppose a small thanks to Kirby too. Bring on Folkestone 2004! Apologies for any inaccuracies. buts lets face it, you lot probably can't remember it either!
As for the results, they speak for themselves:
| Team | P | W | D | L | Pts |
| Hornets | 11 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 15 |
Hannah
Report Feb/Mar-04